There is so much I don't understand. I'm crying a lot and don't understand it. So much that is just not ok. My brain wants to reconcile the two worlds, but it's just not reconcilable. I keep thinking about a little boy I met my first week in Uganda. He had HIV/AIDS/TB and was extremely neglected/malnourished. His story is that his family thought he was a curse on their family and so they planned to sacrifice him, this process was started by starving him. He was too weak to even smile or make any facial expression and when I touched his back all I could feel were bones. Somehow he ended up at a children's home where I met him two weeks later. He was fed and clothed and loved and was put on ARV's and TB meds. But it wasn't enough to save him and he died a few weeks ago. I also saw a little girl who has just stuck with me. She was maybe 3 or 4 years old and came with her loving father to the outreach clinic we did the first week. This little girl (who lucky for me was already wearing a mask) had spots of blood on her white shirt and had been coughing blood for 2 years. When I told her father that she most likely has TB and needs further testing, he was concerned and you could tell he really loved his daughter. He asked me: 'When she was born she didn't have this and now she does, how did she get it?' So I explained how TB is transmitted, but was just taken a back by the reality that this loving father who wants the best for his daughter just didn't have the access to medical care and education to be able to help her.
For every story like the ones above, there are stories of victory and triumph and love winning. But for some reason my heart has just been mourning for the things I don't yet understand, the things that don't make sense. I think that's why I keep crying. This morning I was reminded of this passage in the bible where Jesus' friend Lazarus died and 3 days later Jesus raised him from the dead. But, first Jesus wept. He cried over his friends death and out of outrage over the reality of sin and death in this world. It's not how it is supposed to be, it's not how it was in Genesis 1. But Jesus didn't only weep over it, he also came to do something about it. He came to fix it and make it right. Because of Jesus, death has lost it's sting and is not the end. His story is grace... That boy is so much better off now, than in the difficult life he would have faced on this planet. I still weep over it, but now I know I'm not alone. Jesus weeps with me over this and all the sin and brokenness of this world. It's right for me to cry over the things that are not ok. Years ago I read this quote by Bob Pierce that sums up what I'm feeling: "Let my heart be broken by the things that break the heart of God". It hurts, but somehow it is good.
The problems of this world are too big for me to solve. Even my best efforts fall short at making things right, but I still have a role to play. We can't fail to do something just because we can't do everything. I'm just thankful that it's not all up to me.
I went for a bike ride this afternoon and saw tons of beauty and purple flowers everywhere. In the midst of all that is breaking my heart, the beauty of creation is comforting and reminding me of royalty, majesty and the bigger story we are living in. The one where love wins and life comes out of death.
This song has been on repeat for me so I thought I'd share it... There is plenty that I don't understand, but I believe that Farther Along...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IctD9l4F-ag
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